Unfortunately, for every complaint I make about a match on a dating app, I am the proverbial pot calling the kettle black.
One of these hypocritical complaints is the “match collection” many app daters admit to having. Due to the sheer masses of contenders, I tend to collect matches like Pokémon, or stamps. I know I’m not alone in this. However, in every collection (good collection that is) there is classification, and in an attempt to be honest about the depravity of my own human nature, here is mine:
This one is easy. This is the man I swipe right on, without any doubts in my mind that I’d like to talk to him. He’s usually very physically attractive and has an amazing and thoughtful bio to boot. I’ve usually been able to concoct a surprisingly witty opening line and almost immediately message this person. Chances of being classified as such? About 1 in every 15 matches is a YASSSSSSSS.
Too Hot to Talk to (TH2T2) is a direct result of my overarching confidence issues. Sometimes you come across a person who is fiery hot and probably not a catfish. In fact, Tinder is filled with smoke shows. He has abs, muscles, a firm jawline and nice smile. He dresses well and seems to be employed (or he’s a world traveller of some sort). Yup, if we do manage to match, I am NEVER talking to this person. So the question now is: why did I even swipe in the first place?
Accidents happen. Haphazard, drunken swiping happens. This results in a group of matches I never should have swiped “yes” on in the first place. So, why don’t I delete them? The answer is simple: I’m lazy y’all.
I don’t even know why superliking exists – and why it is SO easy to accidentally superlike someone. I just wanted to look at his profile!! I did NOT want to low-key declare my love for this person. I have never genuinely superliked someone. But I have made some errors in swipe (see above) from time to time. This error is the worst, because for some reason I feel like it makes me look too eager. And eager is bad right?
This is the general rule of Tinder: the person you want to like you, never does and the person you’re on the fence about always likes you back. Sometimes you come across a profile that you neither like, nor dislike, thus being a “yes” or a “no” seems too extreme. A firm maybe. The silver lining is their fate is decided rather quickly when you match and they start asking you about your bra size.
Sane – employed – attractive – normal: in other words, a balanced human. From their profile they seem to be one in a million: a real person you can converse with and perhaps meet in real life. In a world full of extremes, they seem to balance the scales. Their profile makes you believe that love is possible – a kind, gentle, lifetime (or longtime) love. The SEAN is the equivalent of a Pikachu Illustrator Card – or an 1851 Canadian Beaver stamp – and must be collected and kept as long as possible.
And then he messages you. Your heart flutters with excitement.
He asks, “DTF?”